Last weekend, I entered what I call South City-1’s personal Bermuda Triangle, aka my daughter’s room. From the looks of it, it resembles a cat-ransacked area, but in the words of my now 11-year-old, “It is my den. I can find what I want in this room. You need not worry.” I was aghast at this room teeming at its ends. There was a feeling of too muchness that overtook my senses.
This clutter was not made by the child, it was made by me.
The child didn’t ask for a set of 72 sketch pens or Airism leggings in every colour or every book that Amazon recommended or that giant teddy from a boutique studio. The child didn’t need this much, and neither did she ask for either of these. In most cases, the purchases sprang from a basic need of say, sketch pens. It was, however, followed up with an addition of a desire to do the best for my child, which resulted in a Google search for the best quality pigment in the market and a purchase of a large-ish pack of them. The sequence of a child’s need, followed by parenting desire to be best, leading up to too-muchness, was now becoming clearer. And as I looked around, I realised that I was not the only one in South City-1 with a personal Bermuda Triangle.
The process of individuation from our parents, starting from the teens to adulthood, is fuelled by the angst we feel towards them. We see them make certain decisions or behave in ways that we feel we would’ve done differently, so we resolve to execute our life’s plans in ways we think are better than them. That is evolutionary behaviour. That is exactly how we have survived and evolved in a changing world. That brings me to the point that when a parent wants the best for their child, they are in their mind thinking of what is best for them from a survival point of view as they see it, albeit looking at the sheer accumulation of things, this does point to giving them materials for survival but not the skills. To survive in a world threatened by discrimination, climate change, war and food shortage, our children need more than a set of 72 sketch pens, they will need adversity intelligence and a capacity to love themselves without the Airism leggings. And these skills are best built in the absence of the burden of excess. Fallow time results in exploration that is child-led and brings discoveries about the world in a manner that is natural to them. Research shows that kids with unstructured playtime have better skills to navigate a multitude of situations and emotions that arise out of them. Being able to negotiate with varied personalities in the playgroup, helps them deeply understand which of their behaviours are rewarded in a social setting and what ways of being are unfavourable in any given situation. Creating new games, and new rules with friends helps them stay creative, emotionally agile and articulate, thereby building the blocks of resilience in the face of life. As they grow up, they can adapt to changes and challenges better.
So, this week, when your child comes home from school, try to build a little space to be nothing, do nothing, so that you are giving them the best resources to evolve as a human.
